The first rule of Purple Mamba Club...

...is not to talk about Purple Mamba Club.

Not really, I'd chat about my weekend antics to those who ask (not the gritty details, a lady never tells). But after a conversation I had in the smoking area on Saturday I got to thinking about the rules of swinging.

The club rules are easy - they're there to keep members safe. No photos upstairs - that's a given. Yes, you might feel like a porn star in the gang bang room but you don't want it appearing on Facebook the next day for your sister to see. No means No - probably the most important rule of all. You can try to stick your fingers up my ass as my other half is going at it balls deep, but if I ask you to stop then do so. No sex for sale - obvious really, we're a swingers club, we do this for fun, we'd shag anyone who tickles our fancy, but don't just turn up and expect it....No drugs, love is the drug here, we don't need anything else. (Viagra is acceptable if your doctor says so!) Club rules are there for a reason and help people have a great night.

But what about the other rules - unwritten rules? The rules that couples might have between each other or the rules that members might have about each other? What do you do if your other half just wants soft play and you want to be drizzled in cum? If you're a single male visiting with a friend, don't think couples and single ladies are ignoring you if you're sat in a corner together not mixing - go and talk to people, or if you're shy just smile with cock in hand.

So, let's have a look at some of our helpful tips to ease you through the minefield of these unwritten rules if you want some fun

10: Be presentable

We're not an elitist club, we have members from all different walks of life. Our dress code is casual, so feel free to turn up in jeans - but please, smell nice, brush your teeth and make sure your washed in all right areas.

9: Smile

Swingers are a friendly bunch, our airs and graces disappear because we're used to seeing people in their most honest state - naked and bent over backwards. Keep false pretences at the door and be yourself.

8: Be confident

It's a bit nerve racking going into the club on your first visit, but don't worry, we've all been there. Some of us only swing occasionally to spice up our sex lives, some of us are at the club every weekend, but we've all been newbies once. If you fake confidence for the first 10 minutes then you'll naturally feel at ease once you've signed in and started playing upstairs. Nobody cares about your wobbly bits or stretch marks, honestly we don't. Feel at ease with yourself and see Rule number 9.

7: Don't bring domestics

Not applicable if you're coming as a single, but for couples, if you've had an argument at Tesco's a few hours before, either finish it off in the car before you visit or stay at home. Unless of course you want angry make-up sex in the gang bang room. Can we join in?

6: Talk to people

Some of us are natural voyeurs, and most at ease just watching. You might not want to talk to others but prefer to soak up the atmosphere and watch others playing. That's great, we hope you have fun! But if you want to socialise, then just chat to us, we won't bite (unless you're into that sort of thing). If you're a little shy, see Rules 9 and 8. If you're in a huff, see Rule 7. We're a friendly club with a strong social atmosphere, so join in.

5: Don't be a dick

A literal dick is fine. If you're there to shove your pride and joy through the glory hole, then yes, be a dick. If your personality is one that belittles others, boasts about flashing the cash or is generally just obnoxious, that's not the swinger way. Practise safe sex. Be horny. Be disgusting. Be dirty (see Rule 10) but just don't be a dick.

4: Play

It doesn't matter what your form of play is. You could just want to watch, soft play or gang bang. We're all about having fun, and whatever gets your rocks off is good. If you see an attractive couple, ask and join in. They're here for the same reason you are. Remember no means no - they might just want you to watch, but they also might be shy and are just waiting for you to ask.

3: Don't be jealous

If you're a couple, enjoy the filth - he/she is into you and want to share the moment, or your arse. If you're come on your own, don't be miffed if a couple pick another over you - they'll probably want you once they've finished that session. Jealousy is a nasty little bitch, but shouldn't be welcome as part of swinging - that's not what it is about. Swinging is by definition lots and lots of sweaty naked fun - if something is making you feel jealous then it's not the sex - it's something else that needs addressing. (See Rule 7)

2: Have fun

This goes without saying really. Here at New Paradise we know we've done a good job if you've left with a smile on your face. Play, chat, play some more...whatever you do - enjoy it.

1: Cum again

Every night is different. Some chilled and sensual, some filthy and rammed. The more you visit us the more experiences you'll have.